


Love : Loading

by kalothetic



Series: Stray Kids Random Stories [5]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: I like it but I also don't, I mean it's a nice idea, I'm really embarrassed about posting this ><, Jinjin is such a cute ship they own my heart rn, M/M, a lil bit of angst in chanlix and a lil bit in minsung too, but I feel like it's cringey? T-T, it's almost completely from Chan's pov!!, not beta read but my stories never are
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-04
Updated: 2019-09-04
Packaged: 2020-10-10 02:44:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,309
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20520662
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kalothetic/pseuds/kalothetic
Summary: And when Chan gets back home and sees the two had fallen asleep all over each other halfway through some cheesy movie they decided to watch, he'll feel proud and accomplished knowing he managed to be the best leader he could be.To everyone except himself.





	Love : Loading

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ Jinjin : Loading ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

When people call Chan a dad meaning it as a joke and he laughs along, they don't realize that he really does act like one. It's not like he wants to, it just comes natural. He can't help but worry about them eating too much sugar, or staying up too late, or not drinking enough water, or overworking themselves, he can't help but notice and want to help them all. He feels like they're his responsibility, as their leader and 'dad', he does have a lot of natural father qualities, and he embraces them. And none of them seem to complain about it so he assumes he's not bothering anyone with his worries and care.

He knows a lot of things about them, he pays attention, if they mention something like what their favorite color or food is he would remember it for years, that's just how Chan is. He grew to understand everything about these 8 boys, he now understands how they act when they're happy or upset, he understands their habits, he understands their preferences, he even now notices when one of them is feeling bad but tries to hide it.

It's how he noticed what's going on with Hyunjin.

He noticed that he's been off lately, he hasn't been joining in on their conversations with his loud replies as much, he's been spacing out a lot more which is unlike him, and sometimes gets distracted during their dance practice and messes up, but Chan asked if anything was wrong, and he got a fake smile and a 'no' in reply, that definitely didn't convince him but he also isn't one to be nosy and annoying, he'll leave Hyunjin for now, maybe he'll get over whatever is bothering him himself, if he doesn't then that's where Chan comes in.

He thought it'd pass in a few days, these kind of things happened to Hyunjin before, and not just him but other members too. Sometimes they miss their family, sometimes the hate comments get to them, sometimes they're just tired, sometimes they question their own worth, it's normal things that every human goes through, it's ugly but it's normal and expected. Chan himself goes through these things too, but the difference is that Chan doesn't have anyone to look out for him like he does for the rest of Stray Kids, he's their rock, he has to stay strong for them or the group will fall apart. He knows he shouldn't keep everything in all the time but he has to, for them.

Things didn't pass for Hyunjin, matter of fact they got worse.

Chan got back home one day to be greeted with the sound of loud sobs and his bandmates all missing. He followed the noise to find them all gathered around Hyunjin who was sitting on the bed with his face buried in a pillow, crying. Seungmin was rubbing his back and Jisung was holding his hand, there wasn't much any of them could do but be there for him. All attention except Hyunjin's turned to Chan when he walked in looking concerned.

"What happened? Is Hyunjin okay?!" he asked in alarm, stepping closer to Hyunjin and putting his hands on his shoulders trying to make him face him, but Hyunjin just shook his head. He turned to Changbin for help, "why is he crying?"

"it's about Jinyoung hyung" Changbin replied, it was no secret and they all knew that Hyunjin was absolutely in love with the other idol, their usually confident rapper turns into a teenage girl experiencing her first crush whenever Jinyoung is near, but they also knew how he felt he could never have a chance with him. The man was a huge idol, way above Hyunjin and the rest of Stray Kids, he was also always with his own group so there was never much time for them to hang out other than the times they go out for lunch or dinner together, and he was much closer to other members of Got7 like Mark or Jackson, there is no way he's into men and if he is, he'd want to date a member of his own group rather than Hyunjin. Every time Hyunjin gets invited out by Jinyoung he feels so happy but then he realizes he'll never have it how he wants it to be. It wouldn't be a date, it'd be two friends going out together, he can't hold his hand or kiss his lips, he can only stare at him in awe while he talks about whatever. And it hurts.

Chan pulled Hyunjin into a comforting hug, letting the younger boy cry on his shoulders, soaking his shirt with tears but he didn't care, he rubbed his hand in circles on his back as he clung to him so tightly, he needed this, and while everyone else loved and cared about Hyunjin, they weren't the best at offering comfort. Except for Woojin, but he wasn't here, he went out to get some stuff earlier, Chan was the only one else knew how to offer love and support.

After a few minutes, Hyunjin's cries went down in volume and his breathing turned back to normal. Chan was still slightly rocking him back and forth, he waited a few minutes before asking. "What happened, Hyunjin?"

Hyunjin took a moment to compose himself, "It's... It's nothing new... It just hurts hyung.. H-He tells me he loves me.. But I know he doesn't mean it like that and it hurts to h-hear it, and say it back... I just wish I had a chance.." he still didn't look up to face anyone but he pulled away from the hug.

Chan sighed before he turned to everyone else, who were giving Hyunjin sympathetic looks, "can I talk to Hyunjin alone, please?" he requested quietly, getting a few nods in reply as everyone got up and left, Jeongin giving Hyunjin a pat on the back before walked out.

"look at me." Chan demanded in a soft voice, Hyunjin didn't listen. "Look. At. Me" he repeated, more stern but still soft because the boy didn't need anyone yelling at him right now. Hyunjin looked up at Chan, and Chan could tell he's been crying for hours from how red his eyes are, the tears still welled up in them.

Maybe some tough love is what he needs. "Hyunjin, guess what? If you're going to keep thinking that way, and coming back here to cry yourself to sleep, you're never going to have a chance" one of the many things that make Chan such a great leader, is that he doesn't lose his temper. He gets his point across, he gets his anger across, but he keeps it as calm and collected as possible, and it makes it scarier than anything else, he saw it from how Hyunjin winced. "B-But hyung-"

"I don't want to hear it! You're so blinded by your own insecurities that you don't see how he looks at you, like you're his whole world, Hyunjin! He looks at you like nothing else matters! Do you think he'd go around saying I love you to absolutely anyone? Maybe his group or his family, but not to you or to me or to anyone else. He means it when he says it Hyunjin, goddammit!" he saw a shift in Hyunjin's expression, one that went from completely upset to somewhat hopeful. "is that true..? Are you just saying this to make me feel better?"

Chan sighed again, "I wouldn't tell you a lie to make you feel better and get your hopes up because I'd be to blame when it doesn't work like you think it will. No, Hyunjin, I'm not just saying this, he has feelings for you." he now saw a slight smile on Hyunjin's face. "Well... What do I do, then?" he asked.

"What you're going to do .." Chan grabbed Hyunjin's phone from where he threw it on the floor and handed it to him "is call him now, tell him you want to meet up, and confess everything you've been holding in" He saw Hyunjin about to say something in protest and quickly covered his mouth "No. I promise you, it will be okay, and you'll come back feeling happier than ever." he slowly removed his hand from Hyunjin's mouth, and gave him a thumbs up. The younger boy nodded and opened the lock on his phone, Chan thought it'd be best to give him some privacy so he walked out.

He knew that would be the last time he'd see Hyunjin cry over Jinyoung.

~

Hyunjin could feel his heart beating in every part of his body, his throat dry despite him drinking water every second, sweating under the air conditioner as if he did a whole workout and keeps fidgeting with the hem of his hoodie. This was nerve-wracking and he had a million thoughts swimming through his mind. What if Chan is wrong? What if Jinyoung is just being nice to him and treating him like a little brother? What if he hates him after he confesses? What if he doesn't like guys and will be disgusted by Hyunjin? What if he likes someone else or is in a secret relationship and things go awkward between them after this? He can't handle having his idol and the love of his life hate him or be grossed out by him. He can't do this, he's going to backout.

But he might not get another chance.

He saw Jinyoung walk in through the door of the coffee shop he was waiting for him in, and all his worries washed away in a second. The way Jinyoung smiled at him when he saw him sitting there melted Hyunjin's heart into nothing. He came and sat across from him, it was so amazing of him to come despite the fact that he called him at 11pm.

"Hey, you said it was important. What's the matter? Is everything okay?" the way he looks at Hyunjin with so much genuine worry and concern, makes Hyunjin feel tears welling up in his eyes again and in seconds he starts crying, _again_ .

Jinyoung panics and gets out of his chair towards where Hyunjin is sitting and gets down on one knee to steady himself, looking up at him in shock and worry. Jinyoung puts his hands on Hyunjin's shoulders, "Hyunjin, what happened? What's wrong? Please don't cry, you can tell me anything" he doesn't deserve him at all and he can't control the words that come next, all he can do is hope it ends well. "I'm in love with you..."

Silence. Hyunjin can't bare to look at Jinyoung, until he hears the laugh he loves so much. He looks up at him with wide eyes, thinking he's laughing at him, but his smile is so bright and beautiful, it doesn't have a hint of mockery in it.

"That's what you're crying over?"

Hyunjin doesn't know how to respond, is this a good thing?

"Hyunjin, that's nothing to be crying over, I can't stand seeing you upset like this. Come on, pull yourself together" Jinyoung says in a soft voice, grabbing a tissue off the table and wiping Hyunjin's tears with it. "I'm so sorry.." Hyunjin whispered, grabbing onto Jinyoung's hand that was still on his face and keeping it there, Jinyoung adjusted his hand so that he drops the tissue and cups his cheek properly. "If that's what we're doing then I guess I should also be sorry, for loving you too".

Hyunjin could swear he saw his soul leave his body in front of his own eyes.

"Huh?" was all he could muster and Jinyoung laughed at that before he leaned up and pressed his lips against Hyunjin's, enjoying the choked gasp that came out of Hyunjin and how his body momentarily tensed up before he completely melted in Jinyoung's arms, instantly wrapping his arms around his neck. It was a good thing that whenever the two of them hang out here, they ask to have the entire coffee shop emptied so no rumors that could damage their careers start.

Chan was right, this would be the last time Hyunjin cries over Jinyoung.

Sad tears, at least.

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ Jinjin : Complete ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀  
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀💛

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ Minsung : Loading ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

Minho and Jisung were complicated.

They were complicated enough as individuals, putting them together made them even more complicated, they were so complicated that even they can't understand it.

Take a shot everytime I say complicated because this is gonna be a wild ride hell yeah we stan vocabulary.

Minho is... A mess, to say the least. Not necessarily in a bad way. He's sometimes the kindest, softest one between them, doing all he can to help and be a shoulder to lean on and offering everyone his best smiles and displays of affection. And sometimes he's the meanest one, being selfish and refusing to share anything, straight up ignoring whoever slightly annoys him, is blunt and somewhat rude, will claim he's the best with no hesitation and full confidence. He is a strange person, there is no doubt he's a good person, he means well no matter what, but it's also hard to get along with him properly when one minute he's a doting mother and the next he's the bully you hated in high school.

While Jisung is... Well, Jisung. He's loud, he's cheerful, he cracks jokes to lighten the mood all the time, he's clingy and stupid at times, he's narcissistic but in the funniest of ways, he has a smile on all the time. But he's also quick to lose patience, quick to lose interest, quick to switch moods and can only be described as bipolar, will not take anyone's shit and get into a fight with them if ever pissed off, and clearly has so much he keeps hidden.

If you put those two personalities that are polar opposites together you get a lot of sexual tens-

Uh

You get either the best relationship/friendship possible, or you get the two worst enemies. Jisung and Minho were standing on the line between the two, depending on the day they'd cross to one of either sides. Sometimes they go at each other harder than Hyunjin and Jisung used to pre-debut in fights, and sometimes you'd find them cuddled up into each other watching a movie together. But one thing was crystal clear, to everyone except them. 

They were in love.

Chan noticed how Minho's gaze lingers on Jisung a little longer than it should and how Jisung clings to Minho a little more than he should. How when one of them is missing the first thing the other does is ask where they are, if they're okay and then goes to look for them. How they're so much braver having each other. How they care about each other more than anything. How Minho sleeps in Jisung's bed to comfort him after a nightmare and how Jisung would buy anything he finds that Minho might like or might use for his cats, Jisung didn't even like cats until he met Minho. 

But Chan also noticed the last fight they had.

Minho only wanted to help, he didn't mean to get on Jisung's bad side.

Jisung was pissed off the entire day, he would stay away from everyone and not get too into any conversation. He went into his room when the day turned into night so he could have some alone time before the guys he shared the room with would come back to sleep, Minho had noticed Jisung acting weird the whole day, so when he followed him and tried to ask what's wrong, he was only doing it out of worry and love. He knows Jisung keeps so much in, he wishes he would let him in so he can ease some of his worries.

"Jisung, what's wrong?" Minho said when he walked in after him, he definitely knew something was wrong now because Jisung was tidying up the room and he never does that, he clearly was trying to distract himself.

"Nothing." came the monotone reply as he kept up his work, grabbing clothes after the floor and throwing them on the bed to fold them later on. "Jisung, you're upset. Please tell me what's the matter" he tried again, walking closer towards Jisung who was bent down picking the last shirt on the floor. He snapped up to look at Minho. "Nothing, okay?! Would you just drop it already?!" he yelled at Minho, who felt very offended by it. He was only trying to help, why should he receive this in return?

"Jisung, you can't keep snapping at anyone who tries to help you!" Minho stated, raising his voice as well but maintaining a calm composure.

"You're the only one who bugs me about it! Why can't you understand I don't want help? I'm fine!"

"You're not! I'm only doing this for your sake, you'll feel better if you talk about your feelings! Why is it so hard for you to let anyone in?!"

"What if it's just you I don't want to let in, Minho? What about it?!" Jisung didn't mean that, he didn't. He only didn't want Minho seeing the side of him he keeps hidden, the side of him he's insecure of, because nobody is perfect but some people believe themselves to be way below the word. But he wants to be alone and Minho won't allow that, so his anger got projected onto the older boy through harsh words.

He could see Minho's expression shift from serious to straight up heartbroken, and he wanted to hug Minho and apologize for it, tell him he didn't mean it and beg for forgiveness, but not today.

Especially not when Minho's expression changed again, showing bitter anger. "Don't you realize I care about you, you fucking asshole?! I sometimes feel you don't even deserve it!" he yelled at Jisung and this was the first time he heard Minho yell like this. But he thought Minho would know him well enough to know he doesn't mean it and just wants to dwell in self hate alone, that he'd be smart enough to let him cool down and come apologize eventually, not that he'd snap at him and hurt him even more. Maybe he deserved it, but in his current rage he didn't think so.

"Then save it! Don't care about me! Fucking give it to someone else then, I don't need you anyway!" he punched a wall.

That was the last strike.

"Then I don't need you either." Minho said, before he turned around and walked away.

Minho slammed the door shut behind him and the second it closed Jisung collapsed to the floor in tears and quiet sobs. It's his fault. He did this. It's enough he was feeling like shit, now he lost the person he loved more than anything.

Minho walked towards his own room, ignoring the wide eyed and questioning stares everyone was giving him, and shut the door behind him, letting his back slide down on it before he buried his face in his hands and let his own emotions out.

Chan knew he had to fix this, and this is just what they needed to cross the line between friendship and into relationship. Because the two held so much love for each other, it shouldn't be wasted like this, and if they stay apart and upset at each other it's going to be terrible for both them and the rest of the group.

A knock.

Two knocks.

Three knocks.

A threat of opening the door.

The door opens.

Chan stares at Minho who was standing by the door he just opened, looking like everything except his usual self. It's been 4 days. Chan thought they could solve it themselves because their fights never last longer than a day at most, but this was serious and it will affect their comeback.

"We're going out to our usual diner, come along?" Chan suggested. "No" came the answer he expected. "There's a stray cat that gave birth yesterday, lots of cute kittens" Chan tried again, giving Minho the 'please' smile. Minho cracked. He sighed, "Will he be there?" it was obvious who he was referring to. "No. Tried to make him come along but he insisted he wanted to go out for a run instead" Minho nodded after hearing that. "I'll just wash up and change" Chan's turn to nod. "We'll go on ahead then and order the usual, don't take too long" was the last thing Chan told Minho before he walked away.

Once Chan was away from Minho's sight he let him triumph filled smirk spread on his face, little does Minho know he said the same thing to Jisung, and that everyone else is too busy to go to the diner.

Hyunjin is spending the night at Jinyoung's apartment, Changbin and Felix went to the arcade, dragging Seungmin and Jeongin along, and Woojin was asleep early.

Minho arrives at the diner only to find no one there but Jisung, who went from looking bored waiting for the others to alert when he saw Minho walk in.

Minho turned around to walk out when he heard footsteps running towards him, he tried to ignore the sound, he tried to ignore the "Minho wait!" he heard, but he couldn't ignore the hand that grabbed his arm.

"Please... Wait.." he can't ignore the pain in Jisung's voice either. He could allow himself to see what he has to say, but he didn't turn to face him. He heard Jisung sigh as his grip on Minho's arm loosened and he hoped Jisung doesn't walk away because he may be still upset but he wants to fix this. He misses him.

"Let's... Take a walk. People are staring" Jisung quietly suggested, walking ahead of Minho and Minho wasted no time following him. He would follow him to the edge of the world.

They walked side by side in silence, it didn't feel quiet as they were both too lost in their own thoughts and what they will say, they stopped in the nearest park they found, which was empty considering how late it is. Nothing but the moon as their witness.

Jisung cleared his throat, his eyes on the grass and not on Minho's. "I'm sorry." he said. "That's it?" Minho replied. He needed a lot more than a sorry to make up for how Jisung yelled at him and told him he doesn't need him when he was only trying to help.

Jisung looked up at Minho. "Well, what else do you want? I'm sorry I yelled at you, I didn't mean it" he didn't sound sincere, he sounded like he just wanted to get this over with, and instead of that calming Minho down it only made him angrier. "You can't even get your head out of your own ass long enough to give a real apology, can you?!" and they started fighting again.

"I don't know what the hell to do with you Minho! Nothing is ever good enough for you! What do you want from me?! Do you want me to get on my knees and beg for your forgiveness?!" it's only natural Jisung would get defensive, what he didn't expect is Minho crying. He could swear he heard his own heart shatter to a million pieces when he saw Minho bury his face in his hands as he started sobbing. He hasn't seen Minho cry since his elimination, and now he's the cause of it. Jisung wanted to punch himself in the face.

"Minho... I-" Jisung tried to take a step towards Minho who pushed him back with force. "This is your fucking problem! You're so fucking blind and arrogant and it drives me fucking crazy! You're so fucking full of yourself it's unbelievable! You don't think anyone is good enough for you! You don't see that I'm only trying to fucking help, I'm nothing but a bother to you! I fucking care about you more than anything Jisung, I fucking mean it! I never wanted to piss your majesty off, I was only trying to help and in return you tell me you don't need me! How do you think that feels?! I fucking love you, you fucking asshole!" Jisung wasted no time grabbing Minho's face and crashing his own lips onto his. He felt Minho's hand try to push him away for a second, before he stopped, his hands dropped at his sides.

Jisung pulled away after a second, the kiss was one sided and he expected it but he wanted to shut Minho up. "I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. I didn't mean any of what I said, Minho. Please, that's not how I feel. I just... I don't want you to see sides of me you won't like, I can't handle it if you ever hate me. Minho, you're so wrong about everything you said. I love you. I love you so fucking much and it's because of that I can't lose you" this sounded sincere. This sounded real. This is Jisung.

"I could never hate you. You don't get that, I want to know everything about you, deeper and deeper. You're everything to me, Jisung. I don't want to keep being shut out. Please, let me in. I promise you, I'll love you the same" this moment felt perfect for Jisung, a love confession, a confirmation, a raw display of affection and honesty, Minho meant every word, and Jisung was willing to let his guard down right now, because when he stared into those serene eyes, he felt at home, at peace. He felt love.

He slowly leaned in again to close the distance between them, Minho leaned in as well and in less than a second their lips were attached again. This time the kiss wasn't one sided, and it wasn't meant to shut anyone up. It was a way of conveying their feelings, their real feelings.

This would be the last time they fight over something like this because Jisung has learned his lesson and he'll definitely talk to Minho about anything from now on, because he knows Minho is there for him.

And when Chan gets back home and sees the two had fallen asleep all over each other halfway through some cheesy movie they decided to watch, he'll feel proud and accomplished knowing he managed to be the best leader he could be. 

To everyone except himself. 

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ Minsung : Complete ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀  
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⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ Seungin : Loading ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

When Jeongin admitted that one time to having a small crush on Hyunjin, the first thing Chan felt was a stan straight through his heart. He knew Hyunjin was blinded by his love for Jinyoung and was waiting for a chance, an opportunity to finally be with him, so Chan worried about how Jeongin might react when he finds out about that.

But now Hyunjin and Jinyoung are together, they don't keep it a secret either. They're all over each other when they're in the same room and Hyunjin talks about him all the time, not to mention how casually he tells everyone out of nowhere that he's going to spend the night at Jinyoung's apartment. And Jeongin doesn't seem to have any negative reactions towards it, matter of fact he seems really supportive.

Chan thought maybe he just wanted to be a good friend for Hyunjin and not ruin anything for him, but Chan also isn't an idiot. Chan knows better than anyone what it's like being in love with someone who can never be yours because they're too smitten with someone else. Jeongin's sadness would show even if he didn't want it to, Chan knows his does. 

Unless, Jeongin never had a crush on Hyunjin in the first place.

Which he didn't.

Jeongin panicked and said Hyunjin, because he's his closest friend so he wouldn't mind it. There's someone else that has Jeongin's heart.

Chan is not a nosy person, he's simply curious and wants to look out for his members. There's no denying how much brighter Hyunjin has been lately, how his smile is always on his face and his performances excel everyone else's, as if he's trying to impress someone. And there's no denying Minho and Jisung have been happier too, well, mostly because they have so much PDA it's hard not to notice it. But there's also no denying the glances and light touches between Seungmin and Jeongin have become more obvious.

Again, Chan does not mean to intrude on anyone's privacy, but he can't help but pay extra attention to the two of them. It isn't really that hard to, when Jeongin comes out to the living room one morning after waking up wearing one of Seungmin's shirt. Chan also heard Seungmin sneak out of their shared room yesterday. He can assume nothing actually happened otherwise Jisung would have woken up, but there is clearly something going on between them.

Chan decided to wait a little more, to get more evidence before he asks. Even if the shirt was evidence enough, it seemed like Jeongin himself forgot he was wearing it because the panic that flashed across Seungmin's face when he woke up was enough to prove that.

"You look really cute wearing that.." Seungmin whispered to Jeongin when he sat down next to him, enjoying the way Jeongin blushed and looked away with a smile on his face. "flirt" Jeongin whispered back, hoping everyone else is too distracted to hear them. "No, like... I can't believe you're actually wearing my clothes.." Seungmin answered, looking back and forth between Jeongin's face and the shirt. "What's so weird about it?" Jeongin pressed further, liking Seungmin's shy smile. "It feels like a big step forward..." he answered, it might be silly, but they keep everything on the low, barely having time to be together as a couple, so this feels amazing to Seungmin, who wanted nothing more than to show Jeongin off to everyone.

Jeongin's hand slipped to hold Seungmin's. Jeongin didn't realize Chan noticed that.

Later that night when everyone was distracted with their own thing, Chan walked into the living room, the only ones there were Changbin, Felix and Jeongin. Changbin and Felix were sitting really close to each other, watching some random videos off of the computer on Changbin's lap, and Jeongin was sitting across from them, scrolling through his phone. Chan did his best to snap his attention away from Changbin and Felix onto Jeongin, who he was originally here for. "Innie" Chan's voice rang, causing all 3 to look up at him. "Can I talk to you for a minute?" he asked, gesturing towards the bedrooms with his head. Jeongin nodded and got up, following him somewhere private.

"What's the matter, hyung? Did I do something wrong?" the younger boy asked when they entered the room and closed the door behind them. Chan sat down on one of the beds and looked up at Jeongin. "No, not at all. I just wanted to ask you something." he clarified, watching as Jeongin's seemed relieved before he sat down on the floor across from him, looking at him waiting for the question to come. Chan took a deep breathe, wondering how to word his question. "Is.... Is there something going on between you and Seungmin?" he decided on and he saw panic flash on Jeongin's face as he started opening and closing his mouth like a fish gasping for water. "Don't worry, I won't be mad if you say yes. I just want to be sure. We're a family, we shouldn't keep secrets from each other, right?" he softly said with a smile, hoping he didn't scare the other boy too badly. He gave him a few minutes to compose himself and prepare an answer.

"We're dating... I think"

Blank expression on Chan's face. He thinks?

"You think?" Chan tried not to laugh, how could someone be unsure of their own relationship status?

"Well... I like him, he likes me. He comforts me when I wake up after a nightmare-" so that's what happened "-we hold hands, we compliment each other, we cuddle, we kiss, we say I love you, but... We never officially asked each other out" Jeongin explained and Chan found the smile that spread on the younger boy's face while talking about Seungmin adorable. "So... Yeah" he ended awkwardly, looking back up at the older boy again.

Chan let out a soft laugh, "then do it!"

Jeongin looked at him as if he just told him water is pink. "Huh?" he asked in bewilderment.

Oh these innocent kids.

"Do it. If you like each other and you're sure of it, and you feel like you want to pursue a real relationship, then talk about it and make it official. That's how it works, Innie" Chan explained to Jeongin, who suddenly looked like he understood the reason we're all alive.

"Oh..." was all he said after a few seconds of silence and Chan couldn't help but laugh again, he got up and patted Jeongin's shoulder. "There's nothing to be ashamed of. Look at Minho and Jisung, they're all over each other... Much like Changbin and Felix... And Hyunjin who never stops talking about Jinyoung.. It's normal." was all he said before he walked out. 

He felt like he accomplished another good thing for his members, he knew Jeongin will listen to him and that by tomorrow he and Seungmin will be _official_ official.

Later that night, they all sat to watch a movie, expect two were missing.

Seungmin and Jeongin took the chance to have the empty dorm to themselves. Cuddled up into each other on Seungmin's bed, face to face and whispering random conversations to each other as if the others will hear. Jeongin's laugh like a melody to Seungmin's ears and Seungmin's smile a sight to behold.

The tone turned serious after their laughter died down. "Hyung.. Can I ask you something?"

"Hm?"

"Are we... Together?"

"Well.. You're here with me, aren't you?"

Jeongin hits Seungmin's arm playfully as Seungmin laughs.

"I mean, romantically. In a relationship. Are we?"

A moment of silence.

"Do you want us to be?"

Another moment of silence.

"I do. I love you, Seungmin hyung.."

It's not the first time he says it, and he means it everytime, but right now, right here, in this mood and atmosphere, it feels more real than ever. It feels intimate and heart touching.

"I love you too..." Seungmin leans in to kiss Jeongin's lips. Jeongin wastes no time before he kisses back, passionate and heated, Seungmin's tongue going past the younger boy's lips and into his mouth.

When they pull apart they stare at each other for a few seconds. "yeah, we're definitely together." Seungmin declares before he crashes his lips onto Jeongin's again.

Outside, Chan wasn't focused on the movie. His mind elsewhere. He was happy for Seungmin and Jeongin and he felt proud of himself for his help. But he can barely think straight when Changbin and Felix were just a few feet away from him and he can hear them talking in hushed tones about whatever stupid scenes come up on the screen, laughing together, Felix leaning his head on Changbin's shoulder, and it was like slow poison to Chan. 

Killing him inside out.

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ Seungin : Complete ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀  
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀🖤

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ Chanlix : Loading ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

If you ask Chan what he regrets the most in life, he'll answer saying not being there enough for Felix on the survival show. If you ask when he felt the saddest, he'll say when Felix was eliminated, if you ask when he felt the happiest, he'll say when Felix was brought back. If you ask when he felt the most heartbroken, he'll say it was when Felix started getting so close to Changbin and ignoring who was there for him from the start, who cared about him the most. Every part of his life since he joined the survival show had Felix in it, and behind every strong emotion, there was Felix causing it.

Chan cares about him more than anything, and anyone. He loves his team, he loves his family, but he loves them platonically. While the love he has for Felix is different, it's romantic, it's real, it's powerful, it's strong, it's suffocating. 

Ever since the survival show, he can't help but smile when he looks at the other boy. He can't help but feel the butterflies, and he felt like a teenager girl experiencing her first crush, and it was stupid and silly and pathetic but absolutely incredible, the euphoria he feels can't be compared to anything and he wouldn't trade the warmth that blooms in his face when Felix smiles at him for anything else.

It's why when the Felix and Changbin thing had started, he tried to bury those feelings. If Changbin is what Felix wants, and Changbin is what makes Felix happy, then Chan should be happy for him and step away, if he truly loved him.

Which he did.

He thought with time he'll heal, he'll forget about these feelings. It's been two years and it doesn't stop. It only gets worse, whenever they go to perform in a different country and Felix and Chan end up having to share a hotel room, he can't stop the feelings that tug at his heartstrings. Seeing Felix with wet hair after he comes out of the shower, seeing the slight smile on Felix's face when he falls asleep, seeing how beautiful he looks under the soft orange glow of the lights in their hotel rooms, it's a beautiful feeling. It's pure and innocent, Chan can't recall having a single dirty minded thought about Felix. Did he not find the other boy hot? Of course he did. Does he not melt when he hears him sing in a deep voice? Yes he does. But his thoughts are so childlike and innocent.

He wants to hold his soft hands, to intertwine their fingers, to fall asleep playing with his hair, to cup his face in his hands and tell him how much he loves him, to kiss every freckle on his face and tell him he's beautiful, to hold his small and delicate looking body in his hand and cuddle into him, melting into him like he belongs in his arms.

And he can't.

And it hurts.

But he's been doing a good job pretending it doesn't.

That is until yesterday on a show, Changbin kissed Felix's cheek.

Chan doesn't know why he feels mad, he doesn't have a right to feel mad. It's their relationship, of course they can do stuff like that. But although Chan loves Changbin and trusts him with his life, he also believes Felix deserves better. Maybe he's selfish, maybe he's jealous, but he feels what Changbin and Felix have is fake. On screen they act smitten and lovey dovey yet he hasn't seen them kiss once in the dorms, nor sneak into each other's rooms, nor even exchange an I love you. It felt natural at this point with all the relationships that keep developing.

Chan would treat Felix better.

Chan just really wants to be left alone today, away from responsibilities, away from his group, away from Felix and Changbin.

"hyung" he heard Hyunjin's voice as he knocked on the door and poked his head in. Chan looked up at him, it was a good thing he kept the lights off because he could feel tears welling up in his eyes. Love seems to be everyone's thing except him. Even Hyunjin had better luck with his love despite his boyfriend being in a whole different group, in a whole different age, in a whole different schedule, and a whole different world basically, while Chan can't reach the boy from his team, from his country even. He felt they were connected through everything except feelings.

"What?" came Chan's croaked out answer before he quickly coughed to cover it up. "Is something wrong? You don't usually stay in here away from everyone else" Hyunjin asked. Chan is always there for everyone, yet he never let's anyone be there for him even if they try.

"I'm fine. Just have a headache" he lied. Hyunjin wasn't convinced but he also didn't want to bother Chan, which he appreciated greatly because sometimes people mean well, but you don't want comfort, you just want alone time. "You know you can talk to any of us, right hyung? Keep it in mind." Hyunjin said and Chan could swear he felt a tear slide down his cheek from where he was laying down. He nodded, he was so grateful to have them. "Well... I'm going to spend the night at Jinyoung's. Since we don't have anything until tomorrow.. I'll be here early, call me if you need anything" was all the boy said before he quietly closed the door and left.

At Jinyoung's apartment, Hyunjin was sitting on the couch, telling Jinyoung everything about what's been going on with their leader lately. Jinyoung was making tea from the kitchen, but he was listening intently, like he always did when Hyunjin would talk.

"And I don't know how to help." Hyunjin ended his rant with. He heard Jinyoung chuckle before he walked towards him and handed him a mug of tea, which he gladly accepted, and sat down next to him. "maybe he's gotten into a fight with one of the members? I remember Mark doing the same once, he had gotten into a fight with Bambam." Hyunjin tried to remember but he didn't seem like he has. Chan never gets into fights with the rest, and if he ever does, he fixes it quickly. He's a firm believer of being a tight knit family.

"I don't think so. He seems okay with everyone"

Jinyoung hummed as he tried thinking more. "Well, maybe he's good at covering it up so it doesn't make anyone uncomfortable. Has he seemed weird around anyone specific, or does he react in a strange way if someone is brought up in a conversation?" he tried again and stared at Hyunjin as his face turned into the 'I'm thinking' expression that he finds adorable.

Then it clicked as his eyes went wide.

" Yes? " Jinyoung asked. "Felix and Changbin!" came Hyunjin's loud announcement. "What about them?" Jinyoung asked. "I don't know, but I always wonder why he seems so unhappy whenever the two of them are all over each other, or whenever he talks about them". 

A few seconds of thinking. "Then there's one of two things that could be happening" Jinyoung said, holding up two fingers for emphasis and Hyunjin nodded, telling him to continue. "Either he has problems with one of them, or he has feelings for one of them".

Hyunjin took a minute to think. He definitely doesn't have a problem with Changbin or Felix. And feelings... Well clearly not for Changbin. Maybe...

"Felix!" Hyunjin yelled suddenly, making Jinyoung almost choke on the sip of tea he was taking. "Oh shit, sorry!" Hyunjin exclaimed, patting Jinyoung's back to ease his coughing. "Are you okay?" the younger boy asked quietly and Jinyoung quickly nodded. "I'm good. Uh, what about Felix?"

Hyunjin's excitement returned in the blink of an eye. "Chan hyung has feelings for Felix!"

Back at the dorm, Felix was getting worried about Chan. He knew he didn't want to be bothered, but he can't help but feel like he should try to do something.

He knocked on the door.

No answer.

He knocked again.

No answer.

"Hyung... It's me" he said, hoping Chan will open. Maybe he's asleep?

No answer.

Just as Felix was about to walk away, the door opened revealing Chan with his hair messed up and looking as if he just woke up. He did not want to see Felix right now, but he also couldn't control himself when he got up and opened for him.

"What is it?" maybe if he can get it over with fast enough he could dwell in depression alone. "Uh... Nothing much, I just wanted to make sure you're okay".

"I'm alive"

"On the outside maybe." Felix joked but Chan really wasn't in the mood for anything. Felix is now genuinely worried because he's never like this.

"What's the matter?" Felix asked in a serious tone. "Nothing" Chan answered quickly. "Well, can I come?" Felix asked again. "for what?" this wasn't like Chan. Something must seriously be bothering him.

Felix sighed. "Chris-" he started, switching to English. "Please tell me what's wrong. This isn't like you and I'm worried. Did someone do something wrong? Did I do something wrong? Is it stress? Please, let me make you feel okay" Felix put his hands on Chan's shoulders and he felt himself snap. He grabbed Felix by his arms and pulled him in harshly before shutting the door behind him loudly, he had no control over himself either when he pinned Felix against the wall and buried his face in his neck.

Felix was in shock over Chan's sudden reaction and he didn't know what to do. "... Chris?"

"Do you have any idea what you do to me, Felix...?" Chan's voice sounded so fragile and soft, like he's trying so hard not to burst into tears.

"What... Do I do..?"

Chan looked up straight into Felix's eyes. "You make me happier than anyone else, but you also hurt me more than anyone else.. Knowing I-.. I-..."

"knowing you what? Chris, please, tell me, whatever it is I swear I'll fix it" Felix looked so upset seeing Chan like this, he'd literally do anything for him.

"... I'm sorry. I'm sorry this isn't... This isn't fair to Changbin" Chan said, pulling away from Felix and taking a few steps back but Felix instantly walked towards him and grabbed his shoulders again. "What does Changbin hyung have to do with this, Chris? You're not making any sense, please explain it to me like I'm stupid because that's exactly how I feel right now".

"what do you mean what does Changbin have to do with this? He's your boyfriend, isn't he?" Chan expected a lot of outcomes to this situation, but seeing Felix's expression go from confused, to eyes wide in shock to disgust in less than a second was not one of them. "Changbin hyung?!" he loudly exclaimed as if it was the most absurd thing ever then he tried to cover it up with a laugh that sounded absolutely forced and fake. "Me and Changbin hyung?" the absolute cringe on his face as he said that and Chan had no idea how to react.

"I-I.. Am I wrong o-"

"Oh mate you're SO fucking wrong! Ew! I wouldn't date Changbin hyung! He's like a big brother to me!" Felix pushed Chan away with the hands he still had on his shoulders trying to stop the cringe plastered on his face.

"B-But you two are always so-"

"Intimate? Attached? Close? It's all friendly, mate. You know me, I'm clingy as hell! And the rest is just fanservice. I have absolutely no romantic feelings towards Changbin hyung and I can confirm he doesn't have any for me either. You've got it all wrong, mate"

Chan feels.. A lot of things, really. He feels relieved, he feels hopeful, he feels a weight lifted off of him, but most importantly, he feels happy.

Felix sighed and stepped closer towards Chan. "is this what's been bothering you?" he asked even if he already knew the answer, he got a shy nod from Chan in reply and he couldn't stop himself from laughing, his laugh was clearly contagious as it had Chan laughing along in a second.

Once their laughter slowly died down, their desire rised up when they looked into each other's eyes like that. Chan had never given Felix a chance to explain himself before he started overthinking. He's been overthinking nonsense for two years when it could have been solved in two minutes.

"So, Chris~" Felix started with a smirk on his face and a mischievous tone in his voice. "Why did you feel so upset over the idea of me and Changbin hyung dating anyway, huh~?" he asked in a sing-song voice, clearly enjoying the blush that spread on the older boys face as he looked away from Felix.

"you already know the answer"

"I do, but I want to hear it"

Chan looked at Felix again, who seemed more serious now. He took a deep breath before he brought his hands up to cup Felix's face. "Because I'm in love with you. And I have been for the past two years, and everyday I fall more and more." he kept it short, but it was genuine and it said so much. To have someone love you for so long, despite believing they don't have a chance, is an incredible feeling all on it's own. "and I love you too, Chris." Felix answered softly before they both leaned in and closed the space between them. It was soft, a delicate touch of lips, almost hesitant and experimental. But slowly Chan's confidence grew and so did Felix's desire for more, the kiss went deeper and deeper until Chan had Felix pinned down to the bed and his tongue tied with his like a knot, savoring the soft moan that came from Felix's mouth.

After a few seconds, they pulled apart for breath, staring at the other like they hanged the stars in the sky, the feeling in their chests real and beautiful, this was meant to be. Felix pulled Chan down into a tight hug and Chan didn't hesitate to melt right into it, he's wanted this for so long and it was finally his. 

Felix was finally his.

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ Chanlix : Complete

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ Love : Complete⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀  
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

**Author's Note:**

> I'M SO EMBARRASSED ABOUT THIS???? LEGIT I FEEL LIKE IT'S SO CRINGEY AAAA-  
comments and kudos are very much appreciated!! ;;  
ALSO IM SO SORRY IF THERES TYPOS! I GOT SO TRIED OF WRITING IT I DIDNT EVEN WANT TO READ THIS MESS A SECOND TIME


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